One Thing Christian Women Need to Stop Saying

Dear friend,

It breaks my heart seeing you hurt the way you do. Knowing you fight self-degrading thoughts every day. I wish the enemy didn’t bombard you with lies and insecurity.

But y’know what saddens me more than all those things? The counterfeit solution that everyone throws at you. The repetitive message that doesn’t solve a thing… 

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…”Just love yourself.” 

Sweet friend, I’m so sorry if you’ve been misled to believe this will fix you. I’m so sorry people who follow Jesus tell you to run to yourself instead of running to Him.  Because loving yourself isn’t going to take the hurt away. It won’t make you more confident. It will only lead to more frustration. Here’s why…

1) Self-love is an atheistic solution 

Let me show you what I mean:

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Girl, as long as you’re a child of God, the most important relationship in your life is your relationship with HIM. You don’t have to spend your time trying to love yourself because He already loves you (1 John 3). You belong to Love Himself. 

2) To love yourself, you have to focus on yourself 

Any time we’re focused on ourselves, we’re cheating ourselves out of a quality life. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever have alone time or treat-yo-self days, but self-love shouldn’t be your lifestyle.

Self-focus reaps selfishness, and that not only hurts our relationship with Jesus, but with  other people. I think that’s why He’s so insistent that we love Him first. When our hearts are focused on Jesus, we’re able to love other people well, and we’ll naturally be able to hold ourselves in the right perspective.

3) Self-love stunts your growth 

You’ve heard it before…“Love yourself. No matter how broken, messy, or flawed you are. Just love all of you.” But is that really the best thing to pump into our minds?

Yes, give yourself grace. Yes, be patient with yourself and ask God to help you overcome failure. But we should never be okay with our shortcomings. They aren’t pretty, and we do not need to love them. If we choose to be content with our flaws, we won’t do anything to change them. Don’t embrace a lesser you. Embrace Jesus. Embrace sanctification. Growth and change are beautiful things.

4) Loving yourself won’t satisfy you

If all we needed was to love ourselves more, God would have told us to do that. But He didn’t. In Matthew 22, He basically said we already love ourselves more than we should. We’re naturally inclined to cater to ourselves, and that’s why we have to work so stinkin’ hard to love God and other people.

“And Jesus replied to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others]’” (Matthew 22:37-39, AMP).  

Pursuing God is hard. Serving people is hard. But it is so incredibly satisfying. Self-love doesn’t bring satisfaction because we weren’t made to delight in ourselves. We were made to delight in our Creator.

When we live outside ourselves, we become more selfless. More creative. And most of all, more joyful. I promise you, God’s order is fool-proof.

5) Self-love isn’t biblical 

It just ain’t in the Bible, friend. I stumbled across some verses in 2 Timothy 3 that slapped me in the face, and I wanna share them with you. Paul is warning Timothy about the sins that will be rampant in the last times, and its CRAZY what sin he names first…

For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane…holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them” (2 Timothy 3:2, 5 AMP).  

Did you catch it? “People will be lovers of self.” That one sin leads to a whole list of others. Paul told Timothy to scram in the other direction if he ran into people like this. The sin-list in this passage may not seem really severe, but it is. Satan works in subtle ways to break down our defenses and distract us from Jesus.


You don’t have to waste your time struggling to accept yourself because you’re already accepted. Rest in that. Love Jesus. Love other people. And soon your heart won’t have any room for insecurity or self-hatred. When we’re completely full of Jesus, no form of hatred can overtake us. 

We have to stop preaching self-love. It isn’t what God is all about, and it isn’t going to help you.


14 thoughts on “One Thing Christian Women Need to Stop Saying

  1. Oh my gosh yes, I totally agree with you! I wrote a blog post a few months ago that talked about the exact same thing. This is a very rare and even controversial opinion nowadays but I really do believe it’s biblical. Such an encouraging post!


  2. This was so GOOD Abigail! I wish that more people would preach this, but I know that I will start making it more of a priority in my life to not point people to themselves but to God! 🙂 thanks for sharing!


  3. I love how you put this. I personally have days where I look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see. It is so hard not to do everything you can to “love yourself” because that is what the world has caused us to believe. Some women, including myself need to realize that God made us just the way He wants us. He loves us more than we ever could ever love ourselves. If only we could put as much effort into loving God and others as we do into loving ourselves, the world would be in a better place.


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